I'm on my last legs, at breaking point and it's unnerving.... I've always considered myself a cheerful, positive, enthusiastic person and I'm sure there are many friends of mine that will testify to this. So when I feel myself slipping into a state of lethargy and pessimism it's totally unnerving and sometimes even scary.
If you happen to have stumbled across these blogs and read some of my travel stories, you'll know that the last 12 months have been nothing less than amazing. But I don't mean amazing in the true sense of the word. It's more about a feeling that the last year has been quite unbelievable. It's been 1 year since I took off from Tullamarine (Melbourne) Airport on a remarkable journey to the eastern Caribbean for the 2007 Cricket World Cup and the subsequent adventures in North America and Europe, including a 5 month stint living in central Finland. If you've also read some of my "Dave in Finland" blog, you'll also know that I returned from the Arctic winter in January to continue my working life in Melbourne again.
I love this city, it has so many amazing things to see and do, great sporting events, cultural activities, music and fabulous cafes, bars and restaurants for everyone's favourite tastes, and of course, great people - my friends and family among them. I've pumped this city up all over the world to many cool people interested in hearing about my place of origin.
Again it hasn't disappointed. It's great to back in Melbourne, a sense of familiarity when I walk down my favourite little alley in the CBD or sip cappucino on my favourite cafe strip.
However, no matter how much I love this place, there's been something dragging me down since I've been back. In fact for all my enthusiasm and cheerfulness over the years truth is .... I haven't really been happy. And now it's getting to me.
I've been to some amazing places and seen some amazing things over the past 8 or so years.
I love the feeling I get when I travel, the sense of adventure, the freedom from 9-5 routine, the knowledge that the next crazy story is just waiting around the bend or over the mountain or in the lounge room of a random stranger. But the question is, how long can I keep doing it? At some point I have to find a job that gives me inspiration and excitement so I don't have to keep packing up and jetting off in escape from the dilemma of uninspiring work.
I've been searching for years now to find employment that I find fulfilling. I nearly quit my engineering degree half way through when I was getting bored and frustrated, but I struggled through to finish. I packed up a left from my first job to go traveling as a release from the mundane. I packed up on a 10 month trip of Australia after my 2nd job became too much to bare. When I returned to start again, it only took me 5 months before I wanted to leave, but again like the engineering degree, I stayed. I don't regret staying because I've met some amazing people as a result, but now I find myself in the situation again. I've returned to work after an extended travel period and it sucks. I'm unmotivated, lethargic and looking for the next big adventure. How long can I do this? There must be something that I can do to entertain myself and get paid to do it? Aren't there millions of people out there doing a great service and loving it?
It's dragging me down, consuming me..... I'm losing it... losing my enthusiasm, optimism, cheerfulness...
You may just see me wandering the city streets as though I'm on a mission, but the reality is... I'm just passing time.. pretending.. sipping lattes because it's something to do.. catching trams because I can look out the window at the happy people with admiration...
Am I looking at you? Or are you looking at me thinking just the same?
The search continues....
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3 comments:
Dave,
Once again you are not alone. I could very easily be in Melbourne writing the same thing.
I currently am without significant physical activity due to compression fracture to my L1 vertebra. And as i near the point in my recovery where i can start to include swinmming and low impact activity, I feel like i'm drifting along at worst or at best busying myself with thing which maybe aren't so important. (Couch, Movies, Pub, work, SLeep)
I just watched the MATRIX yesterday. Your last paragraph reminds me a lot of its big reveal. I hate feeling directionless and wonder am i not seeing the matrix?
Also try watching or reading a BBC doco (based on book) by Allain de Boton.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Status_Anxiety I this he discusses why we in western egalitarian societies may not be content. Esp. middle class - due to aspirations (consumer , power, status)
Before i left i was considering volunteer work overseas for a stint, or even better locally? ( my cousins have worked in africa in simple medical clinics etc..
Also Kelly and i have talked about maintaing the joy we have had travelling once we get back to Australia. Ensuring we plan adventures for any non work time. getting the moest out of that time.
OR
work in the mines (or other intense $ earner) for a season stint then something else or nothing in the off season.
Jury is still out..
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Hey dave, we are going to have alot of fun (read pain) on the walk. Can't wait, T
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